• ZenChristian

Clear Mind in 2018

Updated: Jul 1, 2019

The end of this year was a trying one for me. I got hit with health issues in the middle  of the semester that for a minute, felt like it was going to hurt my chances of graduating in December. It was a hard time for me and the word "hard" seems not enough to capture what I was going through mentally, physically, and emotionally now that I look back on it. Facing the facts that it could be a chronic issue isn't easy. It's a weird space to be in when you feel like your body is betraying you and knowing that it's going to be a slow process to getting it back to itself. Stress plays a major role in my health, which I've come to realize as well as anxiety which I've acquired this year. They are difficult to manage, especially when it feels like they occur on autopilot without my permission.  I've been keeping the faith though, thanks to my mama, lover, family, and tribe. All things in life are difficult but not impossible. Going into 2018 I'm  forgiving my body and keeping the mindset that I'm worth the hard work.I'm worth the lifestyle and diet change and extra self care time to manage my mental health. I read on Instagram "every set back is a set up for a comeback" and I believe that wholeheartedly.

Another thing I dealt with closing out the year was letting go. Letting go of thoughts is hard enough but letting people go is even harder. With letting go comes forgiveness, something I struggle with. I've always equated forgiveness with whitening out the person's wrong doings but that's not the case all the time nor should it be. I'm big on respect and I had some people in my life openly disrespect me in what is supposed to be a safe space of a relationship or friendship. I don't tolerate disrespect from anyone, family or friends. It puts me a place where I have to make the decision to act like it never happened and get back to how  we were or face the facts and hold them accountable for their actions. I've chosen the second but it was stressing me out. But my teammate and someone I consider a mentor, Wally B told me "forgive him" when we talked about what I was going through. I cried because I didn't want to hear that, I was mad, but I needed it. Then I came across this quote and felt secure in my decisions:

"Forgiveness does not mean to forget, nor does it translate into reassembling external relationships that we don't feel supported in.  However it does require acknowledgement, acceptance, and the ability to let go." -Alex Elle (Insta: @alex_elle Site: alexelle.com)

I'm entering 2018 with a clear mind and a full heart. In 2 weeks and some change, Curtis, mama, Mr. O and I are going to Barbados as my mom's graduation gift to me. I can't tell you how excited Curtis and I are to get away on an island for a bit. It's been a great yet challenging year for us both and we're in need of a vacation to get a fresh stamp on our new passports (!!!!!), enjoy family, be in love, soak up some sun, and create art. This year went by so quick and I can't believe it's already over but ready for it to be. My main focus next year is me and my health because I can't write poems from the grave lol And boy do I have some new poems for yall! My writing game has been slow moving lately but on point. I can already tell that 2017 has kick started some great poems for 2018 and I can't wait to see the new places my art goes in the new year.


"I write poems in case I ever disappear"

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